Why I named this 'The Better Man'
A manifesto of sorts.
1.
As a newly minted father sometime in 2011 or 2012, I changed my Twitter bio on impulse. The new bio now described me as, “feminist, father and friend.” (I liked alliterations!).
I couldn’t articulate it then, but I had just about realised that ‘feminist’ was not a dirty word, and that feminists weren’t crazy, unhinged people. That they were in fact, rather sane, and had a rather important message for humanity.
I was also convinced that it was OK for me — as a heterosexual male — to call myself a feminist. That doing so wouldn’t take away any masculinity from me (this was a faint but persistent worry and seems ridiculous in hindsight).
So far so good.
But I found that being a feminist was much, much harder than calling myself one. Every step forward was accompanied by two steps back. Somewhere along the way, I quietly changed my Twitter bio to something else.
In the decade since, I’ve acquired many things: a new vocabulary, several new inspirations, and a better understanding of my place in the world. But I’ve continued to struggle to take on more equal roles as a parent and homemaker. I’ve been humbled by my seeming inability to change, but not defeated.
So this newsletter/site is a personal chronicle of this journey towards becoming a ‘better’ person in this sense.
2.
But this is also intended to be a space to figure out how to be a ‘better man’ in the societal sense. Not only am I straight and male, I’m also an ‘upper caste’ Hindu. And also an English-speaking guy raised in Bangalore.
This means that I:
- Grew up with less asked of me than most others in this country.
- Never had to fear about being ‘found out’ for my sexuality.
- Did not feel the need to be wary about walking about in public.
- Have not been shy (for the most part) in elite spaces.
- Live in a country where the majority is Hindu and where the upper castes have had their way for centuries.
- Have not lost any opportunities on account of reservation or affirmative action.
- Have no major disabilities.
- Have been able to depend on the kindness of strangers, acquaintances, friends and family without worrying too much about whether it was convenient for them to help me at that point.
The only way I could probably have been luckier is if I’d been born to rich and Hindi-speaking parents who worked in the central/federal government.
But even if I’ve had it easier than 90% of humanity, I too have suffered a great deal. Because as the Buddha has taught us, to be human is to suffer. I’ve also made disastrous errors of judgement which resulted in the suffering of other people. I’ve taken decisions that were way out of line with the values that I hold dear.
Still, like I said, I’m quite privileged. (Some of the mistakes I made happened precisely because of my privilege, not the lack of it.)
So a question I would like to answer for myself really is a central one: how do I ‘redistribute’ my privilege while acknowledging my own suffering?
This Substack is a chronicle of my attempt to answer that question. A better title for it might have been The Better Ally, but I stuck to The Better Man for at least two reasons:
I’m not sure about ‘ally’ as a word. I like ‘solidarity’ more. Still evaluating it.
I think being a better man is the key for me to being a better anything.
Still, there might be a case for creating a special space around allyship and solidarity somewhere down the line.
3.
Finally, this Substack is also about being better at stuff that would normally be the domain of ‘self-improvement’ such as relationships, health and fitness—physical and fiscal (there’s that alliterative brain at work again). It is also then, a very Benjamin Franklinesque kind of thing.
So: personal, political and improvement-al. These are the themes of this space.
Who am I writing for? There is a huge temptation to address people who are already ‘better’ men. Or women. Or those who prefer any other gender identity. People who are already in the allyship and solidarity space, either as the privileged or under-privileged.
But I think it makes more sense for me to write for people who’re just getting started. People like me today, and that person I was in 2011.
In the beginning, I will write occasionally, and as this project gathers steam, I will be more regular. If you’re up for it, do subscribe.
And maybe share.
The better man you already are.
So I suggest it to change to ‘A better human’ or ‘A better person’ or ‘The better human’ etc to include female part of yours too. Because as a male we have to improve our female part and when they both are in harmony then the blessing of god showers upon us and we get transformed in a moment. God is maintaining harmony between two complimentary moment to moment.
The resonance can happen between to similar frequencies and awakening is experiencing that resonance frequency which is beyond our reach.
This i am writing because I appreciate your acceptance of the fact “I’ve also made disastrous errors of judgement which resulted in the suffering of other people. I’ve taken decisions that were way out of line with the values that I hold dear.”
The journey can begun from where we are at present. People make big mistake by beginning as ideal person that they will be in future and so they never begin properly.
Lao Tzu says the journey is of two steps, first is acceptance like you, next is awakening, rest happens automatically just we need to remain courageous enough to sacrifice everything for it.
Mahavir says the one who has begun or accepted has already reached! First step is most difficult as only blessed are able to take it.
There is a verse in Quran that says if anyone has accepted anything done wrong then it is because Almighty has willed to shower his blessings upon him. Even before that acceptance we are under his patronage!
Another suggestion : There is a Substack account BehanBox, I hope you can read it too to know their struggles and how they are tackling it.
You are right that as far as privilege is considered Hindi speaking upper class are more privileged because they are still treating South India as their Colony as Britishers treated India once upon.